This post may belong on Ember Madrone, but given the sensitive nature, I'm blowing off steam about it here, since hardly anyone really reads this blog. Besides, it does have a correlation to the move. There are times I thank the gods that we still have 13 months to get our shit together. I obviously need it.
Opportunities have been opening up at my work. My team lost its manager. I've been with the company more than 10 years, and have been in QC for at least 7 of those years (I think...never noted when I moved from copywriting and design to QC, plus there was a stretch where I flipped back to CW/Design...really should ask HR). I've established myself as a solid, dependable little workhorse, and I have 4 very old years of experience in management from when I was fresh out of college, so when this position came up, I finally considered myself worthy enough to try for it.
I had a first interview. It was good, a helluva lot better than the rambling clusterf*ck that I pulled off for the marketing interview I tried for awhile back. I communicated fairly well, and showed enough initiative in my answers to her questions that she did recommend me for a 2nd interview. I got the notice for it on Tuesday and accepted it. That interview would be with at least 3 other managers. That's not what scared me though. What scared me was the possibility that I might actually get the job.
Sounds cowardly, when I say it that way, so let me explain further.....I accepted the 2nd interview on Tuesday and felt empowered. Went to the library to check out a bunch of books to help me brush up on my managerial skills. Screwed up a site or two in the meantime, and my numbers have dropped this week, thanks to being distracted. Everyone screws up occasionally...it's not like they'd bring that up in the interview or anything. I've also found myself this week in several situations when I'm editing, where I'm needing to send sites back for 2nd opinions, because my indecisiveness got in the way. This is no biggie when you're an editor, but if you're the manager of the team, you need to be able to look at something and KNOW whether it's right or wrong, or if it's a grey area that requires further discussion. I have strong doubts about my ability to back up my opinion where design is concerned.
There are other practical experience issues. I'm an excellent editor and writer, and I have improved my design eye greatly in the last year or two. But I'm always going to be a better writer than designer, and as a manager, you really need high skills in both. Also, there are two big gaps in my expertise: Photoshop and PowerPoint. Being the QC Manager would require competency in Photoshop, because if a site lands on my desk for review and requires just a tweak of something to make it perfect, as a manager, I should have that ability; not be forced to toss it to an underling to fix. Yes, this is something that I could learn in the first weeks of the position, but is that really fair to the underlings in the meantime? It weakens my position as a manager, and emphasizes my lack of fitness for the position. PowerPoint, I'm sure, is easy enough to master once you take the time; but again, with the number of special projects that get tossed on the QC Manager's desk by the higher-ups (I've seen it, and know that as much as you want to be able to just manage your team, the QC Manager ends up fighting fires in half a dozen other departments as well), I'd need proficiency fast, and again, it's not fair to underlings to delegate work because I'm unable to do it.
I woke up in the mornings and went to bed at night pondering my fitness for the position. It tied me into knots. When you're thinking that the worst case scenario is that you might actually get the job, then it's time to re-evaluate your priorities. While the 2nd interview would give me much-needed experience in the interview process, it's not worth wasting the time of my colleagues if I don't even want the job, if I know in my bones that I'm still not ready for it. I know this company. I know that I'd be breaking my neck for them, working extra hours on salary, and not getting paid what I'm worth. I do that now, and the only difference is the complete lack of OT available, thanks to the economy. Do I really want to throw myself into a much higher stress situation, if the payoff isn't worth it? I'm older, wiser, and better medicated than when I was a manager for the theater; but I also understand what it means to be a manager now, and the truth is that there's no wiggle room for adapting to the position—you have to be able to jump on a moving treadmill. If I were to do that without those 2 key areas of expertise, I'd hit a wall very quickly.
I cringe with how flaky it makes me look, but I went back and declined the appointment for the 2nd interview this morning.
Today's the first of October. Our new lease runs until October 31, 2011. We have 13 months to figure out how to move up to Charlotte and save enough money to make it happen. A promotion would certainly help that endeavor. But I can't go for something just for the extra money, when trying for it sets off these continual warning bells in my head. I have to do what's right for me, and while I know, also deep in my bones, how very important it is for us to move out of this godforsaken state, I can't work toward that endeavor at the possible expense of my sanity. I've finally started on a path to true health and fitness...I'm not giving that up, not for a little extra dough and a lot more grief.
I don't see this as not having enough faith in myself. I see it as pragmatic and self-preserving. Maybe I am rationalizing, but at least now I know where my weaknesses lie, and I can take the necessary steps to improve my resume for next year. The only thing I hate is how wishy-washy I look; otherwise, I'm experiencing relief that this decision (QC Manager) is behind me for now.
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