Thinkingthinkingthinking......

When you reshape a dream, how do you keep from berating yourself? It feels like settling, like you're compromising a chunk of that dream...even if the reshape of said dream totally makes sense.

I think I'd like us to eventually live in or around the Asheville, NC, area...its location high in the hills, seriously temperate climate, and slightly heathen bent to the local culture definitely appeal to me.

But I look at our families and I look at us. I recognize what an uphill battle an out-of-state move will be. I recognize that even if the cancer doesn't kill my father-in-law, it could significantly shorten his life. I recognize how important it is that we live closer to them.

I also recognize how tired I am of living in a city, how even though the cities have the jobs, they don't have all the jobs, and I'm just not a big city person. Not sure I ever was; more likely a convenience thing, us staying here as long as we have. Plenty of towns have convenience items without the crush of big city life.

Don't have a clue why the idea of Spartanburg came into my head. We haven't passed through there yet, I don't think. Actually, I came to the town by accident...I was half jokingly thinking that in my next career, I wouldn't mind running a Chipotle restaurant. But since Asheville doesn't have a Chipotle yet (sacrilege!!), I went looking for the surrounding towns in NC and SC that do have it....Greensboro, Winston-Salem...too far away, even though the artyness of W-S appeals to me too....the Triangle has a bunch, but we won't live there, because Husby lived there before and doesn't want to go back.....but Spartanburg.....hmm.....

• 2.25 hours from Aiken, 1.5 hours from Charlotte
• Not as small as Aiken, not as big as Columbia
• Still not cold enough, but an improvement
• Close enough for lots of mountain day trips

Then I got down to brass tacks. I have several things I look for in a town...like I used to joke that if we moved to Charlotte, I'd have to escape to Spartanburg occasionally for a Publix sub. So...
• Publix—check!
• Barnes & Noble—check!
• Chipotle—check!
• Starbucks—only 1?! good enough—check!
• Yarn shops.....gasp! Their sole yarn store ditched the yarn about a year ago. However there are yarn shops in Greenville and an alpaca farm with corresponding store up the road in Inman. Close enough.
• UU church—check!

You can take the city out of the girl, but let's not go crazy here. I've lived in metropolitan areas since I was 16. There are certain comfort items I require.

So now the lists can really start. I want to get us up there in the next 6 months for a look-around. I sent away for the area's relocation guides and I'm trolling the web. I don't think we can realistically move before end of next year, so that gives us plenty of time to really do it right. I'm chipping away at our credit issues, and budgeting to save, maybe even before the holidays.

I may not be crazy about SC summers, but something about this feels right. Now to make it happen.

Accountability

Today's To-Do List

1. Clear off dining area desk.
2. Set aside LSJ medical file for fresh disability filing.
3. Set aside material for investigating the individual issues on credit report.
    a. Start organizing and drafting any necessary letters.
4. Make Snickerdoodles and Ginger Snaps for tomorrow.
5. Create budget and project for rest of year.

This may not all get done today. It's a 3-day weekend, thank the gods. But I'll spend tomorrow afternoon hanging with friends, and there are things that need to occur before and after that this weekend. I may be relaxing about staying another year, but I refuse to submit or give up. The only thing keeping us from Asheville is responsible financing. Finally, I get that.

When Dreams Go on Hold (Again)...

It's funny how for all my pessimism/cynicism, I remain an optimist where my dreams are concerned. I seriously thought I had a chance at a regular credit card. Even with an outstanding balance from another credit card company and a repo on my record, I thought I had a chance.

Alas, I was denied, and with the current unreliability of the stock market, there's no way we'll have the funds to move on time.

I can't think about how if we'd saved more when we were flush with overtime dough, that maybe we'd be able to pull this off now. It's spilt milk, can't be helped now, so why do that to myself. Instead, it brings home to me the level of budgeting and planning that needs to occur if I'm ever going to make this move a reality.

A Learning Trip

It was a very good trip, albeit short-ish and seriously hot. Driving 6 hours in August in the South is not the time to discover that your car's A/C isn't fully up to the task. The ride up was seriously grueling, a LONG and grumpy sauna because we drove during the worst heat of the day. When we discovered that adding refrigerant wasn't going to magically fix it, we left at 6:15 a.m. to come back to Florida, and thank the gods we did, because only the last 2 hours or so were sweaty ones.

Poor Lil Sis was fighting a severe sinus infection that's lasted 2 weeks, but she put her big girl pants on, as she puts it, and drove us around on Monday, giving us a quick guided tour of downtown Charlotte and parts south. It was interesting, because something occurred that I wasn't expecting...the feeling that I don't want to live so close to so large a city...or rather, that a suburb of Charlotte rather than Charlotte proper is looking better and better. I'm just not a big city person, and thanks to some serious expansion and aesthetic renderings in the last decade, Charlotte is just that. I had forgotten that Charlotte became the East Coast finance hub post-9/11, because both Bank of America and Wachovia have their corporate HQs there, so a large chunk of NY's money men relocated while the country scrambled to maintain stability...and the city evolved to accommodate those individuals, in the hopes of winning some of them as residents (which also happened in surprising numbers, if you believe the statistic). Not saying I don't want to move there, if that's where I'm able to find work...gotta remember that what's important is just getting the hell out of Florida. But the shiny wore off the city, and I'm able to look at it critically and question it. Yes, a large city is where the jobs are, but in this economy, any move is a crap shoot, and I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been trying hard enough.

Brought my camera and didn't take a single picture...they're all in my head. Doesn't make this post more exciting, but does allow me to scroll back through the weekend and make fresh lists and talk to Husby about what I want out of this move. Husby's a loving sheep; he'll go wherever I drag him, but I've heard him complain about Aiken's size and quaintness (though I'm sure his beratement of the town has more to do with him not being able to imagine living in the same town as his folks, b/c their home life is such a cluster)...but of course, I want him happy too, after the initial freakout about uprooting us has worn off.

We can go up again in 2 weeks in conjunction with an SC trip...thinkingthinkingthinking...

Progress

1. Applied for credit card...even if it's just for emergencies, it's a step in the right direction.
1. If it gets declined, I'll pay off those two small issues on my credit and refile.
2. Confirmed there's no point in Les trying for one, because even with the joint account, it's still his name trying for a card when he has no income.
2. Only loan that could be feasible would be straight from the credit card, because we own nothing of value outright.
1. Maybe in a couple of months when we own the car free and clear, we could try for something then; but do we really want to use the car as collateral? Luckily, not an issue at present.
3. Made lists today.
1. Planning to re-expand the potential locations of our move, to include:
1. SC: Columbia, maybe Spartanburg
2. NC: Asheville, the Piedmont Triad (Winston-Salem, Greensboro, High Point), Charlotte and its suburbs (including Concord, Kannapolis, other points just north of there); possibly Jacksonville & Wilmington (but have a feeling they're too small to be realistic).
3. GA: Athens (probably only Georgia option for now, because we already know we don't want to look at Atlanta or Augusta).
4. KY or TN options...
4. Attacking the job hunt old-school:
1. Internet search to identify every single web design/advertising company in those cities.
2. Create form cover letter for those industries
3. Create sample web pages and essays for my writing sample blog.
4. Send resume and personalized cover letter to every single company's human resource department.
5. Follow-up with biweekly emails to the HR depts and snail-mail cards right after first send of material, phone calls 1 week later, 2nd card 3 weeks later.
6. Really don't care if this option turns out to be a waste of time, because at least I'll know I'm giving it my absolute best try.....
7. Will also, of course, still monitor the decent job search websites out there for new, viable positions in my skill set.
5. Additional income options:
1. Transfer novel to CD and edit; submit to appropriate publishing companies.
2. Start book of short stories and/or essays
3. Start children's book (this isn't a "cold" idea: the stories are from my childhood, just need fleshing out).
4. Research just how difficult it would be to pick up freelance contract work.
1. Quarterly taxes involved, how I go about hiring myself out (diff websites geared specifically toward freelancers), how I sell myself as a freelancer, etc.
5. Encourage DH to learn to type and engage him in discussions about what part-time work he'd be comfortable doing (this part may sound really kid-gloves to some, but the poor guy's teeth are really bad, so he's extra sensitive about public-facing work, while on the other side of the coin, the constant fluorescent lighting of your standard office job - and his hunt-and-peck current typing speed - make it difficult for him to handle customer service phone jobs).
6. One thing I'm NOT looking at: taking a 2nd job. I know myself and that's not a viable option. The above options are more feasible, and there's less chance of them shredding my sanity in the bargain.

Really, the only way we're going to be able to move on time now, is if that credit card has enough zeros behind it to pull off the logistics of an out-of-state move. I'm not holding my breath. Another step I took today was credit monitoring; free the first month and $12.99/month after that for BofA customers...def sounded like it would be worth the money, given the enormity of the task at hand. It's another auto draft to keep an eye out for, but that just promotes more responsibility on my part anyway, keeping that sharp eye trained on the finances and it'll help us stop taking the damn money for granted when it's in the account.

I feel SO much better since this morning. I have tasks in front of me, thinking to do and talking to Les. We're still going north this weekend; I want to see my Mommie and Lil Sis, and reaffirm my desires to live up there, and sell Les a little more on it too. I know he'll go wherever I end up, but I want him happy too.

Black Cloud

If I'd only remembered...

I'm reasonably certain we're going to have to hit the snooze button on the move to NC. We simply won't have the funds in time.

My brain feels like it's overheating. I'm so very deeply frustrated to discover this.

My initial plan was to fund the move through two key sources of income: a partial liquidation of my 401(k) and full liquidation of my vested stock options. A couple of things have occurred to thwart that plan:

1. I'd forgotten that 401(k)'s are set up to protect you from yourself. Because you're getting the privilege of a pre-tax retirement account, the US tax laws also prevent you from withdrawing ANY of said account, while you are still under the employ of the company that originated it. This means I would need to have my new job established before I could even think of moving. The logistics of that become highly complicated when you tie in that my apartment complex requires 2-months' notice to break the lease, so we'd have to have a new home established before we could cut free of the old one...which isn't possible without the above-mentioned funds. My current paychecks are barely keeping us in food, and our savings has been going toward Les's injection therapy (which appears to be working, so I won't let him begrudge how it's draining our first spare dough in like, ever).

2. Our stock has dropped, thanks to this crappy economy, Congress, and an abysmally dry summer at the office. Websites are literally trickling in right now, and they doubled our team in anticipation of the company's growth (and the fact that they're hanging onto the newbies is an indication of a strong business plan for the near future, but still.....). But having double the editors means we're scrabbling on a daily basis for sites to keep our paychecks in the pink. Meanwhile, the stock plummetted back to its old value of 9 months ago, which means I'm breaking even on some options and making only a seriously modest profit on the cheaper ones. It's simply not enough of a nest egg to realistically draw from at present.

3. I've started applying at staffing agencies, but my skills aren't meshing too well with what an average staffing agency looks for. There's an excellent chance I could apply and apply and still be jobless come October, given how poor the economy is right now. I need to secure some contract work elsewhere, edit my book, and submit it to publishers on the side; and Les needs to come out of hiding and look for part-time work here.

Can't move without securing a job, can't secure a job without moving.

I'm so bloody frustrated...it feels like my brain keeps short-circuiting and needing a reboot. 4 years ago, we weren't ready and now, we STILL aren't ready? That's so bloody unacceptable, I'm having trouble recognizing it's reality. I'm going to the bank today to see about acquiring a credit card for emergencies, and I'll ask about the possibility of a loan. But a loan would probably require collateral, and the car isn't even in our names yet. And any APR probably isn't worth throwing the entire move on a credit card, even if I could get a decent credit limit. We're still going up there this weekend, to scope out the area and visit my mom and Lil Sis. But there's a lot of thinking to do in the meantime.

A little hope on a Thursday...

So, let me see if I've got this.....the move suddenly doesn't appear as unrealistic as it should?

I ran our credit reports last night. Side rant: quite annoying that I can't get the "score" without paying $7.95 per to each agency...and further annoying that it's basically impossible to get the TransUnion report to run. But the other two agencies gave it up easily (one even lets you download a PDF of your report), and the results surprised me a little. The worst: two negatives I don't care about and have no intention of ever paying, and two negatives that are totally reasonable and can be paid off in a week probably. Holy crap! We may find our problem is not enough credit history!

That's by design, unfortunately; thanks to a repo, we've spent the last 5 years paying on a car loan that's not in our name (it's quite handy actually, having the same names, almost to the letter, as Les's folks), and we are part of family plans on both our cell phones and car insurance. We rent, and that'll be our saving grace hopefully, the fact that I've been renting places for 17 years with good standing/no evictions. I know we may still have a bit of a fight ahead, finding a place to live, but it feels a pinch more doable now, and that's an indescribable relief.
We're seriously set in our ways. I've spent the week feeling like I'm shaking something off. We're disorganized this week on evening meals, and aside from those credit reports, I'm getting little accomplished in the evenings. I'm glad to be heading into a weekend. The to-do lists are piling up in my head, and it's time to get cracking!

Image from here.

So here's where we are...

The bad news from home that was mentioned at the end of the last post was pretty bad: my FIL was diagnosed with stage 4 adenocarcinoma. Still no known origin, but hopefully they can link it to Agent Orange, as he was a Vietnam vet with 2 Purple Hearts. He's had 3 rounds of chemo and is holding his own. All prayers appreciated and gladly accepted.

The job hunt almost went on hold for the last couple of weeks, because between back-and-forth trips to SC in June and the total lack of nibbles to my initial applications, I needed to stop and regroup. There's a possibility of job prospects at my Lil Sis's company, but I'm also looking hard at staffing agencies, because time is getting away from us already. Also, I'm so damn bored at my current position, it has me wondering if another career shift is in order. I have no intention of ever having a "career" singular, as I have too many things I want to do in this life. Why shouldn't I take this opportunity to branch out?

Because the economy may not let me. God, looking for work in this tenuous economy sucketh the big one! We can't move unless I'm employed, but we're so damn ready to get the hell out of Dodge, I don't know how we'll adjust if we're forced to stay. Can't think that way yet, just keep pushing forward.

I have a trip planned the 1st weekend of August to Charlotte. Between now and then, I'll be nailing down where I want to go...what staffing agencies I want to give my information to, and what neighborhoods I want to investigate/explore. I will also be visiting my bank for financial advice between now and then, to confirm that the move is in fact feasible.

Packing is about the only area where I've moved forward...I'm hitting a stage where we need bigger boxes, and I'm going to take what's already packed and a) see if it needs a new box because the old one should be recycled, and b) catalogue its contents.

Lists

The job hunting is picking up, and I'm realizing some things.

1. I can't let only a job dictate where we live.
2. I can't let only my desires dictate where we live.

I was branching out a bit, out of fear mainly, because I'm getting zero nibbles from my job apps thus far in the Charlotte area, so I expanded the search to include the whole state. But I'm realizing some things quickly about the RTP area that make it unfeasible, never mind that Leslie doesn't want to move anywhere near there, bless his heart. I totally get his desire to live elsewhere; he went to school there, lived there for years, and the memories aren't all good. It's why I'm looking everywhere but Gastonia as well, as I have no desire to revisit a year that I've spent significant time blocking.

So I'm looking at Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill, and I realized some things pretty quickly...

1. It's more expensive (Les has said this before, but until you see it in black and white, it doesn't sink in).
2. Houses in our price range originally had wheels or cinder blocks for foundations.

I wholeheartedly admit to being a class snob. I don't ever want to live in a prefab house. Hell, the way I walk alone would make it unfeasible; I'd be shaking the damn thing just going room to room! I know they're built better than that, but it's just not something I ever see us in.

I'm only looking at rental homes initially, because it's just easier. I haven't a clue if we're financially "in the market," so there's no point of trying until we're settled up there. As a result though, I also don't want to be sinking thousands into something every month for rent, regardless of how much I end up making. So by keeping our range below $900, it gives a clear view of what's available and feasible.

So looking at the maps of the area and the rental website, another something became clear...there's NOTHING outside the cities in the RTP area. While I have no problem moving to the backwoods, having to rely on cities that we don't actually want to live near just wouldn't work either. And if we're living, for example, halfway between Greensboro and Raleigh, but it's easier to get to Raleigh and Raleigh has more "stuff", where do you think we're going to be going for provisions? So I'm relaxing and narrowing my scope once again.

And yet I'm expanding it as well, in the area of types of jobs I'm looking for. I can tell that certain fields, like the entry level financial advisor stuff at Edward Jones, aren't going to look at me twice when my resume's next to an MBA, but administrative assistant roles are right up my alley and I've been in the workforce long enough to show reliability.

Crap, bad news from home, more later...

Such an undertaking...

Just spent the last hour checking out rental houses in Charlotte online...mainly for motivational purposes. It brings up questions upon questions, lists upon lists in my head, that need to be put down somewhere so that I/we have a chance of pulling off this rather monumental undertaking.

We know we want a house. The good news is if I can find work in my current pay grade, we can afford to rent a house quite easily, provided our credit has improved enough to get us in the door. I pray this is the case. When we get a little closer, I'll need to invest in credit reports for both of us.

The second bit of good news is that the houses for rent in Charlotte aren't dives, by any stretch. I'm not familiar enough with the neighborhoods yet to know where to steer clear, but there wasn't one turkey in the batch I was looking at (from a particular real estate/prop. mgmt company). Some ugly or outdated decor, some age that could prove challenging, but nothing that made me say "no way" at first glance. And that's important, as I'm someone who can drive into an apartment complex and know if it'll work or not for me before I even see the inside of the place.

So many lists to create....

1. Confirming whether or not the house comes with a dishwasher when the pictures show it as having one, but the listing says it doesn't....confirming other appliances too, as I'm seeing that refrigerator and range aren't always automatically present either.
2. Confirming central heat & air...I don't want to look at houses that only have window units, but if we get desperate enough...
3. Confirming whether or not landscaping is covered by the PM or by us.
4. Confirming AT LEAST washer/dryer connections.
5. Confirming what types of repairs we're responsible for vs. when it's time to call the PM to repair something.
6. Are we allowed to paint?
7. Are we allowed to plant anything outside?
8. Are we allowed to hang a clothesline?

I'm looking at strictly suburban homes for the first year, so won't even ask about zoning regulations regarding livestock. It's not worth the struggle, and we're not ready anyway; with any luck, we'll have a small human to tend to in the first year up there, and that will put quite a few things on hold in all likelihood. I'm flexible about certain things (lot fencing, dishwasher), not so flexible on others (CH&A is a necessity with southern summers). The lists need to start happening.

My "bucket" has been half full the last couple of weeks. I'm letting myself be overwhelmed by life, and that's BS. Starting lists and projecting a budget for the move will go a long way toward organizing my thoughts and not letting life just pass me by. My Virgo nature has to count for something in all this.