Believing...

...WILL make it so.

Image from here.

Really just updating this one, because I'm in an updating mood...updated Ember Madrone and then realized I wanted to update Dark Meadow, just to get the heavy mood off of that one, so....

We can't save any money until after the turn of the Gregorian year. The holidays would suck any savings dry, so there's no point in even trying. Once we get through the holidays, I'll reassess. Unfortunately, we've been neglecting the car a bit though, so I'll need to keep that in the foreground as we start to save.

My company's stock has started climbing in response to our most recent merger. Most of my options were given to me at a price that's still potentially in the red, but there's a possibility of funds there next year. My 401(k) has been climbing too, but I absolutely don't want to touch that for the move, so it's not going to be an option until we are seriously desperate/down to the wire on this...

Husby's been up and around a little more, whether in response to passive-aggressive comments on my part or an increase in serotonin thanks to modern medicine, I can't tell. It does my heart good tho'. Hopefully next year, we can start him on a path back to civilization, first by fixing his teeth and then by finding work.

Figured out we save about $25 a month just with the Keep the Change thing thru Bank of America. The trick is leaving that money in the ole savings account....again, after the holidays...

I feel really positive of late about the move. Between saving, creative financing, and a lot of hard work, it will happen. This time next year, I'll be planning Thanksgiving at my house, because we'll have the most room. Almost a relief, this motivation...it'll move mountains when the time comes.

At What Expense, Sanity?

This post may belong on Ember Madrone, but given the sensitive nature, I'm blowing off steam about it here, since hardly anyone really reads this blog. Besides, it does have a correlation to the move. There are times I thank the gods that we still have 13 months to get our shit together. I obviously need it.

Opportunities have been opening up at my work. My team lost its manager. I've been with the company more than 10 years, and have been in QC for at least 7 of those years (I think...never noted when I moved from copywriting and design to QC, plus there was a stretch where I flipped back to CW/Design...really should ask HR). I've established myself as a solid, dependable little workhorse, and I have 4 very old years of experience in management from when I was fresh out of college, so when this position came up, I finally considered myself worthy enough to try for it.

I had a first interview. It was good, a helluva lot better than the rambling clusterf*ck that I pulled off for the marketing interview I tried for awhile back. I communicated fairly well, and showed enough initiative in my answers to her questions that she did recommend me for a 2nd interview. I got the notice for it on Tuesday and accepted it. That interview would be with at least 3 other managers. That's not what scared me though. What scared me was the possibility that I might actually get the job.

Sounds cowardly, when I say it that way, so let me explain further.....I accepted the 2nd interview on Tuesday and felt empowered. Went to the library to check out a bunch of books to help me brush up on my managerial skills. Screwed up a site or two in the meantime, and my numbers have dropped this week, thanks to being distracted. Everyone screws up occasionally...it's not like they'd bring that up in the interview or anything. I've also found myself this week in several situations when I'm editing, where I'm needing to send sites back for 2nd opinions, because my indecisiveness got in the way. This is no biggie when you're an editor, but if you're the manager of the team, you need to be able to look at something and KNOW whether it's right or wrong, or if it's a grey area that requires further discussion. I have strong doubts about my ability to back up my opinion where design is concerned.

There are other practical experience issues. I'm an excellent editor and writer, and I have improved my design eye greatly in the last year or two. But I'm always going to be a better writer than designer, and as a manager, you really need high skills in both. Also, there are two big gaps in my expertise: Photoshop and PowerPoint. Being the QC Manager would require competency in Photoshop, because if a site lands on my desk for review and requires just a tweak of something to make it perfect, as a manager, I should have that ability; not be forced to toss it to an underling to fix. Yes, this is something that I could learn in the first weeks of the position, but is that really fair to the underlings in the meantime? It weakens my position as a manager, and emphasizes my lack of fitness for the position. PowerPoint, I'm sure, is easy enough to master once you take the time; but again, with the number of special projects that get tossed on the QC Manager's desk by the higher-ups (I've seen it, and know that as much as you want to be able to just manage your team, the QC Manager ends up fighting fires in half a dozen other departments as well), I'd need proficiency fast, and again, it's not fair to underlings to delegate work because I'm unable to do it.

I woke up in the mornings and went to bed at night pondering my fitness for the position. It tied me into knots. When you're thinking that the worst case scenario is that you might actually get the job, then it's time to re-evaluate your priorities. While the 2nd interview would give me much-needed experience in the interview process, it's not worth wasting the time of my colleagues if I don't even want the job, if I know in my bones that I'm still not ready for it. I know this company. I know that I'd be breaking my neck for them, working extra hours on salary, and not getting paid what I'm worth. I do that now, and the only difference is the complete lack of OT available, thanks to the economy. Do I really want to throw myself into a much higher stress situation, if the payoff isn't worth it? I'm older, wiser, and better medicated than when I was a manager for the theater; but I also understand what it means to be a manager now, and the truth is that there's no wiggle room for adapting to the position—you have to be able to jump on a moving treadmill. If I were to do that without those 2 key areas of expertise, I'd hit a wall very quickly.

I cringe with how flaky it makes me look, but I went back and declined the appointment for the 2nd interview this morning.

Today's the first of October. Our new lease runs until October 31, 2011. We have 13 months to figure out how to move up to Charlotte and save enough money to make it happen. A promotion would certainly help that endeavor. But I can't go for something just for the extra money, when trying for it sets off these continual warning bells in my head. I have to do what's right for me, and while I know, also deep in my bones, how very important it is for us to move out of this godforsaken state, I can't work toward that endeavor at the possible expense of my sanity. I've finally started on a path to true health and fitness...I'm not giving that up, not for a little extra dough and a lot more grief.

I don't see this as not having enough faith in myself. I see it as pragmatic and self-preserving. Maybe I am rationalizing, but at least now I know where my weaknesses lie, and I can take the necessary steps to improve my resume for next year. The only thing I hate is how wishy-washy I look; otherwise, I'm experiencing relief that this decision (QC Manager) is behind me for now.

A little slice of heaven

We moved Meara up to Charlotte the weekend of July 4th. I took exactly 3 pictures the whole time we were there, and 2 of them were en route. Instead I just looked at everything with big eyes and soaked it up like a sponge. My memories kept me inside my own head for days after we got back from NC.

Florida has a feel to it that's quite different from New England. The tropical landscape and weather bring something else to the table that I can't clearly define. I just know that even after 25 years of living in Florida, I still miss the environment of New England. The air feels different.

South Charlotte, NC, where my sis has planted herself for now, is beyond gorgeous: long stretches of high-end suburbia with more green than you can shake a stick at; deliberate, aesthetically handsome neighborhoods; and weather that turns fair in the evenings, even in July. The facades they've created for businesses are really something, designed so you can barely tell it's a McDonald's or a PF Chang's.

Just thinking about it to write about it puts me back there, cruising the streets with Meara getting to know the area, even just a little. We drove with the windows down and breathed deeply. We saw fireflies at night.

I'm confident I've found a city I can live near, where I'll be happy.

So. Damn. Angry.

It's always disappointing when dreams go on hold. I rode through the SC farmland back from the inlaws last weekend, and dreamt of our little patch of land. I want 5+ acres, enough room to rotate my sheep and have a nice-sized garden. I make plans in my head for the chicken coop, the sheep shelters, raised beds vs. flat rowed planting, bee hives and strawberry plants and an herb garden near the kitchen.....

When we last tried to move, our credit wasn't good enough and we got turned down at an apartment in Columbia. We quickly saw that that would be the case anywhere we tried to apply, and so the idea was shelved. Dad passed a month later. Everything happens for a reason.

Fast forward 3 years later, and you'd think we'd be in a better position. Alas, thanks to my crummy job and Les's crummy health (I'm not being mean when I say that about him; it's just the nature of the beast), our financial sitch is no better...in fact, it may have just become substantially worse. It's not that we don't know how to save. But with the combination of Les's inability to work and the damn economy, we literally live paycheck to paycheck. Still examining how to remedy that.

He and I try to take care of our respective health. He goes to a specialist for his migraines, and his intestinal pain earlier this year took him to a gastroenterologist. Turns out he has diverticulosis, thanks to his meds. Got an abdominal CAT scan to acquire that diagnosis. Meanwhile, I hadn't been to my cardiologist since Dad passed, and since I was no skinnier and had turned 40, seemed like a good time to get myself checked out. I had an echo, nuclear stress test, and sleep study; then the stress test showed a shadow, so they ordered an angiogram. Thankfully, everything's fine...no apnea, no blockages, no signs of aortic wear and tear. Actually, thankfully doesn't cover it where my relief is concerned, since they can't tell you if aortic dissection is caused by injury or genetic defect. Or maybe they can, but those tests would be too expensive for insurance to cover at all...who knows...anyway, the echo and stress tests should occur annually for me from now on, and I'm working on my weight.

I like to think I'm good at reading the fine print. I was frickin' pre-law, for gosh sakes! Everything I'd read on my insurance company's website indicated that diagnostic testing was covered 100%. Turns out I wasn't reading in the right place. About 2 weeks ago, Les went to his follow-up with the gastroenterologist, and they presented him with a bill for about $800. Blew our minds. I vowed to get to the bottom of it, but Memorial Day weekend hit, we went to SC for the holiday, and I'm just now investigating the issue.

The news isn't good. There's a separate section of our policy dealing with major diagnostic testing, such as CT scans, nuclear medicine, and the like ::sigh::...80% covered after the deductible is met ($750 apiece). Adding to the good news is the fact that they misdiagnosed me for the sleep study, so the insurance company denied it completely...I'm going to have to get in touch with United and possibly my cardio office to hash that out.

As I mentioned in my main blog, our apartment complex is offering us a $20 reduction in rent if we sign on for another 14 months. The timing is serendipitous. While the idea of staying in that smoky, cluttered abomination of an apartment for another year-and-then-some makes me rage inside, I also know in my heart it's the smartest course of action. There's no way we'd be in good shape credit-wise by March 2011 (my latest original plan for our move); hell, if I get pregnant in the next year, October's going to be a stretch. Les and I will talk this weekend about our choices, but I already know which way I'm leaning.

Our finances dictate a certain level of realism; it's probably why I'm not more upset about this. Subject line aside, my anger is mainly at myself, for not researching the fine print more carefully. I don't like being surprised to the tune of hundreds of dollars, not when every damn paycheck is squeezed til it squeaks these days. I hate the idea of having to set aside another $25 here, $25 there to keep the billing offices at bay, when it's hard enough to keep us in fresh vegetables. But I make my lists, adjust our budget, and push forward. I wanted to go to Charlotte for my birthday, but I'll toss all unnecessary travel to the back burner for the rest of the year, declare moratoriums on fast food and Starbucks, and get financial advice from my Lil Sis, who's so anal with her finances, she never lets her accounts get below $1K. There's gotta be a way out of this, if we're diligent and patient enough. I have to believe my little patch of land will happen when we're ready.

Pride

Les's disability application done! Just have to mail or handcarry the release to the SS office, so they can get his medical files from his docs.

Still waiting on interview for potential promotion...they expanded the position to include media relations. This week will be spent prepping.

Repositioning the dream

Last week was a week of reality checks. I'm taking it really well, relieved in fact, which tells me I'm doing the right thing by not rushing this.

The plain truth is even if we liquidated a portion of my 401(k) (which I am willing to do, if it means starting a new life in a new place), we wouldn't have enough money and our credit isn't in good enough shape yet to move. So we'll be renewing the lease here in Jax. That hurts, of course, because the apartment really is a pit, and we've been there for 11 years now. But it's necessary. So the dream shifts again.

Haven't given up, of course...far from it. Want to renew the lease for just 7 months...need to get with the complex, see if they're going to charge more for that over the 12. Can't stand the idea of going another 12, and that would make us out of here next March, which is a good month to move.

It's helped me see what I want in a house and in a home. When I say house, I mean the initial rental; when I say home, I mean when we're able to buy. How much land I want, what kind of animals I'd like to raise on that land, what amenities I'm looking for in a house. Feeds the dream nicely.

North Carolina's still very much in the cards...we're visiting the inlaws in SC next month, and I'm hoping to get to Charlotte at least, to look around. In the meantime, I continue to live vicariously through Cold Antler Farm, I've started Les's social security disability paperwork again finally, and I'm working on a promotion to help finance the dream.

Wow. Work cut out for me.

Just started a list of potential expenses for the move to NC. It's a tall order.

I used to be quite the list maker, anal Virgo and all that, but it's dropped off significantly in recent years and with it, my personal/mental/physical organization. It's not pretty, but this isn't about that. It's about looking at a list and thinking, damn, I've got some serious work to do and it all hinges on things I'm not even sure are realistic yet.

Like will our credit even allow us to move?

Like what if I can't find a decent paying job?

Those are the biggies. But those concerns aside, it's a matter of making lists that spring off of this list, and compiling information through research, to determine the true costs and how to make them work for this move. I think I have the money, and there's a ceiling I wish/we have to honor as to how much of that money is used; so it's time to iron out the details.

The first list, Potential Expenses:

1. New house (rental)
a. Application fee
b. First months' rent
c. Security deposit equal to one months' rent
d. Possible realtor commission
e. Landlord bribe :) (hopefully just kidding)

2. Moving van (UHaul, Budget, Penske, etc.) & boxes

3. House amenities
a. Washer/dryer rental or purchase (thinking we rent first, save to purchase)
b. Lawn mower (unless we're lucky enough to have a landlord that offers landscaping, but I'm not holding my breath...this is an expense that can maybe wait until the first paycheck or two of a new job)
c. Couch (we're throwing the old one out; it's not making the trip with us)

4. Utilities
a. New deposits/installation costs
1. Water/sewer
2. Electric/gas
3. Cable (initially, though Les is itching for a dish, so ?)
4. Garbage/recycling

5. Food/drink bribes for Cyril and friends to come help us load the truck on moving day.

More later...let the research begin!

So where are we?

I started this blog in '06?!

That does make sense...I'm just surprised so much time has past.

Yes, we're still in Jacksonville. Yes, I still hate it like the dickens. We're looking at Charlotte, North Carolina, because it's a large city so it has good job potential, and Les lived in the Raleigh area before, so he's not jazzed to go back there. It's not a bad area, it's just we're both looking for something new.

We tried to move in '07, but our credit wasn't good enough to find housing. And then Dad passed, and life went on hold. I can't say that our credit is much better than it was 3 years ago, but time has improved it a bit, even if our actions haven't.

Not much else has changed...our apartment is floor to ceiling stuff in places. I have a tall order ahead of me getting it purged down to moveable. Les has been ill for 2 months now (diverticulitis), and even when he's in good shape, he's unable to do as much as he'd like. I thrive on taking charge of projects like this, but as the year gets away from me a bit, it's rather daunting.

So time to initiate lists again...I pulled out the dayrunner at the beginning of this year, and it's proved helpful with doc appointments and keeping my head on straighter. I used to be a big ole Virgo list maker. So now, as March falls away from me so quickly, it's time to really look at how I need the next couple of months to lay out, and what I need to be doing to make them so.

Our lease runs out August 31, 2010. Ideally I should secure a new job a month ahead of that, by July 31, 2010. At the same time, I should be closing in on a home up there. Emphasis on home: we're not even looking at apartment complexes. I'm going to research rental websites and find a few key realtors or management companies, because I WILL get us into a house.